


They Think I'm Crazy (But They Don't Know The Feeling)

by TalamhNaFinscealta



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Discovery, psychological problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 07:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14015106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalamhNaFinscealta/pseuds/TalamhNaFinscealta
Summary: What if Sebastian didn't take Jace in Episode 2x19, but took Alec instead?Would it have changed the outcome of the night at all?Starting off with Jace and Alec fighting the Forsaken, this story explores one of the endless alternative plotlines that could have taken place if Sebastian decided to take a different turn in approaching his issues with Jace.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello you lovely people!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who gave me such a warm welcome into the Shadowhunter fandom.  
> The idea for this fic has actually been floating around in my head for a while now, but I never got to start writing it until today.  
> As I already said in my other fic, Sebastian is a character that I happen to love a lot and I have the constant urge to just wrap him up in a blanket and keep him safe.  
> This story is going to include a lot of my analysis of Sebastian and all the psychological problems he might have due to his cruel upbringing, so be aware of that.  
> Also, this is a chaptered fic, and I'm trying to update regularly, but I don't know how often I'll actually get to write, so please be patient.
> 
> The title of the story is from the song "My Demons" by Starset, which just fits Sebastian so well in my opinion.
> 
> Now, without further ado, strap yourself in, and join me for the start of this ride!

He stood in the shadows, watching, waiting patiently. The Forsaken attacked just as he had anticipated. They might not be able to kill the shadowhunters, but they would definitely slow them down, distract them.  
Everything was going exactly according to plan.  
  
He smiled, sharp and dangerous, as Alec drew his bow, and Jace got his seraph blade out, ready to strike.  
They were so predictable, pathetic really, definitely no match for him.  
For just a few moments, Jace was preoccupied, and he used that to his advantage, knocking Alec unconscious as quickly and quietly as he could, shackling him, and taking him outside.  
  
Just for a second, he thought of taking Jace instead, attacking directly, hitting the problem head on. But no, this would be so much more fun, so much more… satisfying.  
Another one of his sharp smiles flashed his handsome face.  
Oh yeah, revenge would taste so sweet.  
  
Jace had taken so much of him already. His father, his childhood, and now his sister, the only person in his family who hadn’t left or betrayed him yet.  
So, of course he had to die, no doubt about it.  
  
But first, he would get to feel the pain of a breaking parabatai bond.  
He never had a parabatai himself, but he hoped it would hurt, hurt like the literal hell he’s been through.   
He could picture it clearly in his mind. Jace in front of him, a sobbing, pathetic mess, crying and begging for mercy, for an end to the torture, for death.  
  
The rush of power and joy going through his body at this image caused his eyes to flicker and flash black before going back to their mix of blue and green.  
Yes, his efforts would all pay off in the end.  
  
He focused back on his current victim when he felt him twitching slightly, groaning while he got back his senses.  
  
“Rise and shine, pretty boy.”  
  
Time to get this party started.


	2. Save Me (If I Become My Demons)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, everyone :)  
> First of all, I am really sorry it took me so long... Sadly, I can't promise that the next chapters will be up faster.  
> Next, and most importantly, thank you to everyone who read the beginning of the story and also a massive thank you for all the kind words, it means a lot.  
> Last but not least, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. It's shorter than I wanted it to be but I didn't want to put off posting any longer than I already did.
> 
> Also, the POV switches from Alec's to Sebastian's once in this chapter. I didn't explicitly write that because I think it is clear enough but if it confuses you, just say so and I will make it clearer.
> 
> The chapter title once again comes from the song "My Demons" by Starset because I'm lame like that :D

Everything was black, and Alec tried to fight down the rising panic as he struggled to remember what happened in the last few minutes. Or was it hours?  


It was hard to concentrate on anything with the pulsing pain coursing through his head, and his eyes were still closed, for some reason not obeying his will when he tried opening them.

It slowly came back to him in flashes though.

Clary and Jace tracking her brother Jonathan –or should he call him Sebastian? –in order to find Valentine, splitting up, Forsaken attacking, a fight, Jace by his side. And then, a sharp pain at the back of his head, and nothing after that.

Someone must have hit him hard, sneaking up on him while he was busy shooting his arrows, Jace too focused on slashing their attackers left and right to notice.

Jace… Alec put all his attention on his parabatai rune, feeling relief flood through him when there seemed to be nothing wrong on his end.

He would be able to help the girls, and then they would no doubt be looking for Alec, getting him out of whatever situation he was currently in, saving him.

Alec let out a little breath and an involuntary groan when the pain intensified for a moment.

There was a presence not far from him, probably watching him.

His assumption was confirmed when not even a second later a smooth British voice started talking.

“Rise and shine, pretty boy.”

Ironically enough Alec finally managed to snap his eyes open at those words, his shadowhunter instincts going into overdrive, analyzing his surroundings and the man standing directly in front of him, a little too close for comfort, trying to come up with options for his next action.

They were standing on a wooden bridge. Well, at least Sebastian was standing while Alec himself was more or less hanging there, supported by thick heavy chains that were wrapped around his arms and torso preventing him to move, cutting his air supply a little.

Underneath, the water was flowing steadily, creating a constant background noise.

A smirk was forming on the familiar face of his attacker, a glint unmistakably shining in his eyes.

He looked at Alec like a snake at its prey ready to strike. Like a man who was absolutely certain he had already won the fight even though it hadn’t even begun yet.

While observing him, Alec’s brain must have missed him starting to speak, so when he tuned in, he tried to make sense of the missing pieces.

“…take this personal. It’s not really you I want to break, but you are linked, aren’t you? Such a powerful weapon in fight, this bond, but it can also make you terribly vulnerable. I’m sure you know more about that than I do. Soon enough, your pain will be his pain, and your death will break his soul.”

There was mock regret swinging in his voice, betrayed by the excited glee that he couldn’t seem to hold back.

Alec wondered why Sebastian let him in on his plans but that passed as soon as he remembered the confidence the guy seemed to have. In his mind, there was no possible outcome where he didn’t end up on top, so where was the harm in putting all cards on the table?

A sudden anger surged through Alec, burning like a hot flame when he remembered all the ways in which he had harmed the people Alec cared about. Sebastian had killed Dot, and Elias, and Duncan. He had killed at least six other shadowhunters trying to steal the Mortal Mirror. He had also taken advantage of Izzy and almost killed innocent and dorky little Max.

Alec forced it down because he was the head of the New York Institute, a leader, a shadowhunter.

Emotions cloud judgement.

So when he finally spoke for the first time since he had been captured, Alec surprised himself with the even way his voice came out, seemingly unbothered, almost bored.

“Why are you helping Valentine? When he manages to get to the mirror, he will destroy you, too.”

He took satisfaction in the surprise flashing Sebastian’s features before they settled on a confident smile again.

“You don’t know my father, Lightwood. He is a man of his word, and he promised he will come back for me.”

Alec almost rolled his eyes at the statement.

“Will that be before or after he raises the angel Raziel asking him to kill everyone with demon blood?”

Finally, a flash of doubt and uncertainty.

Just a little longer.

He silently begged Jace to hurry up.

~

How dare he? How dare Alec Lightwood try and make him doubt his father?

‘Come on. Don’t pretend you didn’t have doubts yourself. Has he really ever given you a reason to trust him and his pretty words of family and love? Did he love you when he sent you to hell? When he hit you? When he told you, nobody could ever love a monster like you?’

‘Shut up!’

He noticed that his fist was clenched, his knuckles turning white from the strong grip on his sword, and forced himself to calm down.

What he didn’t notice were his eyes turning black again, flashing dangerously.

“You don’t know anything. I’m taking back what I said before. I am not sorry. I will destroy you both, and I will enjoy every second of it.”

He raised his sword that was softly glowing in the night, letting it come to a halt on Alec’s neck.

Just a little cut for now, a taste for the pain to come.

He felt a rush flow through him at the sight of red blood welling out of the wound he created and the little hissing sound escaping his victim’s mouth.

Before he could go further, explore more, a noise startled him. Footsteps in the distance, coming closer. Faint voices.

He cursed under his breath. Clearly he had waited too long, he couldn’t stay any longer, had to move.

“Looks like it’s your lucky day today. You’re not going to die just yet.”

With those words he took his victim down from the wooden post he had shackled him to, and carried him as if his weight was nothing, totally ignoring his struggles.

For a tiny moment he contemplated jumping in the water with Alec but the chains were too heavy, and he didn’t want him to drown. That would be just boring.

So instead, he took off running, disappearing into the dark woods not far from there just after drawing a non-tracking rune on himself and his prisoner.

Okay, maybe not everything was going according to plan, but this was a minor setback. He could deal with that.

It was clearly time to make up plan B.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, any feedback is highly appreciated :)


	3. They’re All Around Me (Circling Like Vultures)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, you wonderful people :)  
> I haven't forgotten about this story, and I won't abandon it. Thank you to everyone who reads this even though it is a super slow process!  
> As always I hope you enjoy this chapter, even without the main characters being in it.
> 
> You already know where the chapter title comes from ;)

“Damn it! I should have done something, anything, to prevent this from happening!”

Izzy sighed, bone deep and exhausted.

“It’s not your fault, Jace. You were concentrating on the fight. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

She was just as worried as Jace was, but she couldn’t allow herself to panic or do anything rash. Her brother’s life was on the line, and while they probably didn’t have much time, they couldn’t afford to run around headless without any plan or strategy.

“You don’t understand, Izzy. He’s my parabatai, and he is hurt. Not that badly yet, but I can’t take any chances. There is no time for planning or talking theories. We need to find him, preferably now.”

Jace was pacing from one end of the wooden bridge to the other, and his restless energy was honestly starting to get on Izzy’s nerves. After his last comment there was a little anger mixed in as well.

Why did he always need to belittle her feelings, just because she didn’t share a soul bond with Alec? She might not be able to feel his pain right now, but that didn’t mean she was less worried or that she cared less.

One of them had to be the adult though, so she didn’t say anything, choosing to think about the latest events instead, trying to figure out where and with whom Alec could be right now.

After they had separated, Izzy and Clary had fought off all the Forsaken before Jace had found them. Just one look at him, and Izzy’s heart sank because the only explanation for his desperation was that there was something seriously wrong. Her suspicions were unfortunately proven right only seconds later when Jace had told them that Alec was missing and probably unconscious.

He had been able to track him through the bond to this exact bridge, but then the signal was cut off abruptly, and now they were at a dead end.

Izzy momentarily closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again, refocusing on Jace, who was still walking and cursing.

“Jace, I know you’re not thinking clearly right now, but just trust me on this, okay? Without a plan we would be running around in circles.”

She began to feel like a broken record, and briefly wondered if that’s how Alec always felt like trying to keep them from doing something stupid. She vowed to herself that she would start listening to him more often, if only they found him.

Jace looked ready to respond, probably wasting precious time arguing that they could spend strategizing, when Clary finally opened her mouth, agreeing with Izzy, and trying to talk some sense into him.

“We need to go to the institute, Jace. We’ve got much better resources there, and we could use some help. Also, as much as I hate to say this, Alec’s not only your parabatai, he is the head of the institute, and he is missing. We’ve got to report this.”

Izzy was honestly surprised by the words as well as the calm way in which they were spoken. It seemed like Clary had definitely learned something since they had first met her.

Jace stopped his pacing, deflating like a balloon that lost all its air.

“Fine. You’re right. But we need to hurry.”

Wasn’t that exactly what she had been trying to get into his thick skull for the past minutes? Huh. Seems like she should’ve let Clary talk to him from the beginning.

And then, they finally, FINALLY, activated their speed and endurance runes, and started running as fast as they could, not stopping once.

~

When they arrived at the institute, everything happened too fast and at the same time way too slow for Izzy’s liking.

She immediately took it upon herself to contact the Clave while Jace and Clary were making sure all the security matters for the institute were in place and simultaneously looking for Alec.

Facing Consul Malachi made Izzy uneasy because of the whole Valentine escape situation but she forced herself to be a professional.

“Consul Malachi. I’m calling to tell you that the head of this institute, Alec Lightwood, has gone missing on our latest mission, and we haven’t been able to locate him yet.”

Blunt and straight forward, just like she had been taught to deliver her reports since she was a little Shadowhunter in training.

She wished she could read anything in the man’s face but it remained a blank mask when he answered,

“I’m going to send a Clave envoy to take temporary control of the New York Institute. Your main priority still remains finding and recapturing Valentine.”

Izzy opened her mouth in protest but she was silenced before she could even utter a word.

“Your brother is a Shadowhunter, a leader, and he is prepared to die for the greater good. We can’t afford to waste time on one single Shadowhunter when there is so much more at stake.”

After that, the connection was cut short, and Izzy wanted to scream in frustration.

She should be used to the Clave’s mindset and priorities by now, but she couldn’t help the feelings of disappointment and hurt washing over her because one life mattered so little to these people.

All she could hope now was that envoy wasn’t as incompetent as Aldertree.

Just as Izzy rushed into the entrance hall a few minutes later, a portal opened and the Clave envoy stepped out.

“Dad?”

He looked worn out and tired.

“Isabelle. I managed to convince the Clave that I would be the best choice for this mission.”

“Alec is missing, dad. I have to find him, whatever it takes. Losing him is not an option.”

Before Robert could even open his mouth to answer, Jace stormed in with a slightly panting Clary hot on his heels.

“Izzy, I can’t find him. Not even with all the fancy institute technology. It’s like he has just completely dropped off the face of the earth and vanished into thin air.”

Robert sighed.

“Jace and Clary, you need to find Valentine, stop him from getting to the Mortal Mirror at all costs. Meanwhile Isabelle will look for Alec.”

Jace looked ready to protest but after everything that happened today, Izzy counted that as a win.

She already steeled herself for bringing out the big guns, also known as the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love you all :)


	4. I Cannot Stop This (Sickness Taking Over)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful people reading this :)  
> I'm finally back with a new chapter, and it's starting to get intense in this one.  
> I'm almost sorry to put Alec through this crap because he doesn't deserve it at all but he will be fine in the end, I promise.
> 
> The chapter title is still from the same song ('My Demons' by Starset), and I'm fully intending to keep it that way for future chapters xD
> 
> Now, without further ado, strap yourselves in, and enjoy the ride...

There was barely any light as Sebastian pushed Alec down the stairs to the basement of the abandoned Building.  
It hadn’t taken him long to get there at all, and he smiled briefly.

In the first couple of days after getting back from Edom, he had stumbled upon the house that looked like nobody had lived there for several years, and he had had the fore-sight to stash some weapons at the basement before getting a new identity that provided him an apartment.

Taking a quick look around, he was satisfied that nothing seemed to have changed since the last time he had been here except for some new spider webs and even more dust settling everywhere.

His prisoner, who had tried to put up a fight when Sebastian had started running, had gone completely quiet now.   
Sebastian let a triumphant smirk flash across his face, roughly shoving him on a hard bench that seemed to be made out of stone.

Apart from a grunt and a glare sent in his direction he didn’t get the slightest response, and Sebastian couldn’t help wondering how long it would take to break the man completely.

A maniacal gleam started to appear in his eyes as he fantasized about all the possibilities.

The staring match between them went on for several minutes before he decided that enough time had been wasted. Time to start with the fun part already.

He flashed another one of his famous sharp smiles while making his way over to a little table that held parts of his precious knife collection.

Picking one of the more rusty ones, he went back to his recent victim, whistling slightly as he did so, the echoes creating a haunting sound.

“You see, this is one of my favorite parts of our little time together. The anticipation. You see this knife? It hasn’t been used in a long time. Where do you think it would hurt the most?”

He wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get an answer but he tutted his victim mockingly nonetheless.

“Are you ignoring me? You think this is boring? Don’t worry, pretty boy, you’ll feel the pain soon enough.”

It annoyed him that he couldn’t read anything on the other’s face but he pretended not to have a care in the world when he started dragging the knife’s point up Alec’s arm, digging in harshly to make sure it really cut through the surface.

A hissing sound like music in his ears and just a shallow line showing for now. Perfect.

Next, he started cutting runes in his victim’s flesh, feverously and almost absentmindedly.

Agony, pain, obedience, sleeplessness, hunger, desperation…

It was almost an hour before he came back to himself, standing back, and taking in the full impact of his handiwork.

To his utter disappointment Alec’s face was still mostly blank, even though it had gotten paler, beads of sweat starting to form from the effort of not making a sound.

“Don’t be shy, pretty boy. You can scream all you want. Nobody is going to hear you anyways.”

All that got him was an eye-roll and a quiet but effective “Fuck you.”

He raised an eyebrow, grinning almost boyishly now while waggling a finger in Alec’s face.

“Where are your manners, hm? Didn’t your parents ever teach you to mind your language?”

Without even waiting for an answer he put his bare hands around Alec’s neck, squeezing.

Way more satisfying when his victim tried to tell him to stop, only getting out gasps and croaks. The most effective though proved to be when he heated a ring with his stele, hours later, pressing a white hot mark to the precious parabatai rune, eliciting a scream of pure agony in the process.

It was around that time when Alec started talking, trying to stall, to stop him even.

Sebastian would never admit it to anyone but he was actually impressed it had taken him so long.

“Stop, please, just stop. Valentine…Valentine was wrong. Wrong for doing what he did…for torturing you, and sending you to hell. Just stop. Stop. And think about this for a moment.”

He seemed to be getting desperate and Sebastian chuckled. Even to him it sounded fake, and to his utmost annoyance there was that little voice inside of him that wasn’t amused at all, getting louder by the minute.

‘He is right, and you know it. Do you really want to get down to Valentine’s level, torturing and killing for fun?’

‘Damn right, I do. Now, shut up!’

It didn’t hold as much heat as he wanted it to.

What was happening to him?

~

At the same time, Izzy took a deep breath before knocking on the door in front of her.

It only took seconds until it opened, revealing Magnus Bane, perfectly styled as ever.

He raised one eyebrow, on his way to close the door again when she stopped it with her stiletto, having foreseen this easily.

“Magnus, wait! I know you said you don’t want anything to do with Shadowhunters at the moment, and I respect that. Believe me, if you weren’t my last hope, I wouldn’t be here.”

She knew she was only one step away from begging, and if the circumstances were different she might’ve felt ashamed. But right now, she couldn’t care about anything but Alec’s safety, Shadowhunter pride be damned.

Magnus seemed to study her in silence for a few moments before, still silently, waving her inside.

The loft looked vastly the same as the last time she’d been here, and she was surprised to notice a picture of Alec and Magnus in front of the Eiffel tower in Paris, both spotting huge sappy smiles.

She was only brought out of her melancholic reverie by Magnus starting to talk.

“Well, what is it that you want from me, Shadowhunter? You had me under the impression that it is a matter of importance and urgency, so do us both a favor and make it quick.”

Izzy turned around to look at him.

“I was out with Alec, Jace, and Clary following Jonathan and Valentine to finally recapture him, and put an end to his schemes once and for all. We got split up when we had to fight some Forsaken, no doubt created to stop us or at least slow us down. Clary and I just finished when Jace came back to us, telling us how Alec had just disappeared.   
When he tracked him, it took us to this wooden bridge, but there was nothing there, and it stopped. I’ve tried everything, Magnus, EVERYTHING! I can’t lose him, Magnus, not Alec.”

Only once she stopped talking did she notice the tears in her eyes, and she forced them back.

Magnus stood in front of her, face carefully blank, but she knew him. His eyes looked worried.

“My dear Isabelle, do you have anything of him that I can track him with?”

His voice was much softer than before.

‘Don’t you?’ she was tempted to ask, but kept her mouth shut, pulling out Alec’s sweater she brought from the Institute.

Magnus seemed to be in his own mind when he took it in his hands, caressing it carefully like he wasn’t sure he had the right anymore.

Only moments later, he closed his eyes, and his blue magic engulfed the fabric, making it glow.

It felt like hours had past when he finally opened his eyes again, a crestfallen look on his handsome face.

And just like that, Izzy’s heart sank.

This was it.

If not even Magnus could help her, how were they ever going to find Alec?

Magnus’ voice cut through her thoughts again, sounding like he had aged at least 50 years in the last minutes.

“I’m so sorry, but even my magic has limits. Wherever he is, there must be a block around Alexander, keeping me out. I’m afraid there is nothing I can do.”

Izzy forced herself to smile, trying to reassure them both, and probably failing miserably.

“It’s alright, Magnus. Thank you for trying anyways. I guess there is nothing to do now but wait and hope that that Clary and Jace are more successful finding and recapturing Valentine.”

Magnus still looked conflicted, raw emotion pooling in his glamoured eyes.

He seemed to be half talking to himself when he spoke again.

“I wish I could be of more help, but I’ve got to stay here, protect my people and the whole city. I hope it’s not too much to ask to keep me updated. I do believe there are some things I’ve got to talk about with that charming brother of yours when he makes it back.”

Izzy noticed that he had chosen to say ‘when’ instead of ‘if’, making the first real smile appear on her face.

“Of course, Magnus, I promise.”

Maybe all hope was not lost, she thought when exiting the loft a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Every feedback is noticed and highly appreciated :)


	5. We Are One And The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, beautiful people still reading this story :)  
> It's been way to long since I last wrote anything for this (or anything at all really) but I finally got some motivation. It's not that long but I'm actually pretty happy with the outcome so I'm going to post it anyways.
> 
> You already know where the chapter title comes from^^
> 
> Now, without further ado, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride (even if it's still a bumpy ride...)

Alec forced himself to stay conscious while simultaneously wanting nothing more than to slip away and sleep for a few days. His whole body was in pain by now, and he knew it was showing no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

An hour ago, he had felt himself slowly cracking, starting to talk, to stall, to stop Sebastian from setting his body on fire, quite literally.

It was then, that he had noticed little flickers of doubt and conflict flash across his torturer’s face, so he had kept going, trying to make Sebastian talk as well.

So far, that was quite fruitless, for every time Alec had even touched the topic of Sebastian’s past, he had shut down completely, lashing out worse than before.

It was time to change tactics.

Instead of trying to get him to open up about his past, Alec would talk about his own childhood first, including all the problems and insecurities. He knew that would make him completely vulnerable, and he briefly closed his eyes.

He had never talked about this with anyone ever but if it made this horror and torture stop, he would gladly pay that price.

“I was two years old when my little sister was born and from then on my childhood was basically over. Not that there were good-night-stories or games before that but from the first time I laid eyes on that little bundle in my mother’s arms, my parents told me it was my first priority to protect her.”

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes once again as the flashbacks started to pour in.

~

_“Izzy, Alec, dinner is ready! If you’re not down here within the next five minutes, you won’t get anything to eat before bedtime.”_

_It was the voice of their teacher and caretaker Hodge, tired and annoyed, that cut through to Alec._

_He was four years old and his little sister was two, and they were in the middle of playing hide-and-seek._

_Somehow, Alec hadn’t anticipated for Izzy to be so good at this, and he started to panic, not wanting his little sister to have to go to bed hungry but also not knowing where to look for her first._

_He started running around the Institute calling her name, not even getting the slightest response._

_It was an hour later when his parents found him in the weapons room, exhausted and crying silently because he had seemingly lost his sister and couldn’t find her._

_Both his parents looked livid, and it was his mom’s angry voice cutting through his misery._

_“You know I expected more of you, Alexander. Didn’t Hodge tell you to make it to dinner on time?!... Where is Isabelle?”_

_Alec sobbed._

_“I’m sorry, Mommy. We just played hide-and-seek, and she hid herself. I can’t find her.”_

_His response made them even angrier, both looking like they wanted to slap him for being so stupid._

_“She is only two! What were you thinking leaving her all by herself?!”_

_It took another three hours and ten fully trained Shadowhunters until they found Izzy sleeping peacefully curled up under Alec’s bed, waking up and smiling happily when she saw her brother._

_“You found me.”_

_Alec would never forget the relief and love he had felt in that moment, but he would also never forget the disapproving and disappointed looks his parents had given him._

_Someday, he would show them that he was worthy to be proud of, worthy of their love._

_~_

_But it seemed that whatever he tried over the next years, however hard he trained and fought, nothing was ever good enough._

_Izzy had it a lot easier, and he was glad for her._

_It was only when he was ten, and Jace came into the family, that Alec fully realized what his parents were holding back all those years though._

_And while he didn’t want to hate Jace, it was hard because it seemed he was everything his parents always wanted in a son, and they weren’t ashamed to show him just how much love and pride they had for the golden boy._

_Whatever Alec did, Jace did it better._

_It took a lot of convincing himself it wasn’t Jace’s fault everyone loved him so easily._

_~_

_Only a couple years later, when all the boys had started talking about girls like they were the greatest achievements of the angels had he truly realized that maybe there was just something wrong with him._

_He took every punishment and every hateful comment, every disappointed look or reprimand with a blank look on his face and a soldier stance._

_All the while he couldn’t help but hope against hope that someday, somewhere, someone would think him worthy._

~

_For just a moment Alec allowed his mind to drift to a certain warlock that had showed him the world in a different light but he was quick to shut that particular thought off, opening his eyes with a pang of hurt echoing through his heart._

_No, even Magnus hadn’t thought him worthy enough to stay and fight for._

~

He didn’t know what to expect after giving that unfiltered recount of his past. To a person who wanted to see him dead nonetheless. He prepared himself to get mocked and laughed at mercilessly for being so weak, for letting his stupid emotions get to him.

Whatever the other man’s reaction would be though, Alec would take it like he took everything else. With a blank look on his face and a soldier stance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for still reading! Any and every feedback is highly appreciated :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Any feedback is highly appreciated :)


End file.
